I make talk shit about WMATA....

...but I never will actually shit in a WMATA bus or metro car. Crazy-Head-Wrap Woman, you actually shat on the seat of a metro bus this morning. If it hadn't made me gag more than the smell of rotting meat in a hot Guatemalan market, then I may have saluted you for the symbolic gesture. Alas, my Monday morning was almost ruined as a result of the visual and gagging, therefore, no salutation shall take place.

Monday started off craptastically cold and rainy. I was lightly jogging to catch the bus so that I could get to work/hell a little earlier than usual to get just a bit more work in before a day of mindless banter began. I board the bus and find one side seat (the first set of seats that run parallel to the sides of the bus) remaining in between two men. I wedge my child-bearing hips (thanks, Mom) between these two men and begin to unfold my Express. Across from me is the woman who will soon be known as "Crazy-Head-Wrap Woman". She is dressed in black shorts, a black untucked t-shirt, flip flops and a head wrap. Mind you, it is about 55 degrees and raining.

As the bus continues to chug along, the woman asks "are we at the bottom of the hill yet?" (one could only assume that means Georgetown). The bus driver ignores her. This was his fatal error. CHWW, at this point, seems to think she needs to stand up and walk to the driver to actually ensure that he heard her. As she stands up, I notice her seat had a giant mud smear on it... and then, 3 awful seconds later, I realized it was not a mud smear. It was HUMAN FECES!!! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! Not only was it on the seat, but it was all over the butt of her shorts! And the smell! At this moment, people on the bus were visibly gagging. I had to open the window and breathe the fetid air through my mouth to prevent myself from regurgitating the morning bowl of Kashi cereal.

She asked the bus driver her question "are we at the bottom of the hill yet?". He answers "No". She immediately resumes seating next to the soiled seat. She soils yet another seat!!! At this point, the bus is filled with the shit smell and everyone looks green. CHWW decides to disembark at the Daily Grill in Georgetown, which is not the type of establishment or neighborhood in which she would be welcomed. As soon as she departs, the bus driver says that classic line that I will remember for all eternity: "Goddammit! Why does this shit always happen to me?"