The Joys of Christmas

The conglomeration of the three Fs, family, friends and food, is the main reason I love Christmas. They embody the spirit of Christmas by creating cheer, merriment and lifting my spirit without fail, year after year. It is amazing that each Christmas evokes, from me, different feelings of joy thanks to the three Fs.

Aside from the aforementioned, a few other happenings fill my heart with Christmas cheer, without fail, year after year.

When Kris Kringle hops on the last Macy's Thanksgiving Day float, replacing a very sad, drunk, faux Santa, I know that the season is upon us!

Every year when I see the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window, my heart becomes lighter knowing that Christmas is around the corner. Or when cousin Eddie yells "The sh*tter is full!" in front of the house, I know that family is above appearances.

Then there is silly, workaholic, uncle Frank who, in the middle of bringing us a Christmas special where Mary Lou Retton plays Tiny Tim, babbles on about three ghosts of Christmas past, present and future who paid him a visit. Uncle Frank sure is a character!

And when Buddy makes a rocking horse out of my parents' new armoire, I know that thought, time and love goes into every Christmas gift made. The fact that smiling is his favorite adds even more meaning to my gift because I know he smiled the entire time he made it. There is also the 50 pound bag of Ole Roy dog food that we give to Snot every year. We tried feeding Snot Eukaneuba, but Ole Roy and Penzoil wins out every time.

Sometimes, when the neighbor's hound dogs demolish Mom's Christmas turkey, we enjoy a nice Chinese meal while being serenaded by the waiters. "Deck the harrs with bows of horry! Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra!" It is a multi-cultural experience at its finest!

And who could ever forget the Christmas where Clarence saved a desperate Uncle George from a fate worse than death? Why, if it weren't for Uncle George, there would be no Bedford Falls! Only a morally bankrupt Pottersville. Way to go Clarence!

There is also the annual family tradition heading up to Vermont to stay at the Colombia Inn for some "Snow, snow, snow, SNOW!" only to find that every single year, without fail, there is no snow. But also without fail, it snows on Christmas Eve, every year just as Bing belts out "White Christmas". Ah, the miracles of Christmas!

But the most important Christmas lesson I learn every year is to dream big and have faith. Every year cousin Ralphie asks for an Official Red Rider Carbine Action 200 Shot Air Rifle. Against all odds - Mom, teacher and even a tricky Santa telling him that he will shoot his eye out - his dream comes true in the end. Ralphie gets his gun. Uncle Clark, after jumping off the deep end by exclaiming that "After Santa slides his fat, white a$$ down that chimney, he will find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny f-cking Kaye", ends up getting his Christmas bonus so that he can put that pool in. Kris Kringle is able to do his job every single Christmas Eve, despite what some silly psychiatrist says. And, every year, his sleigh miraculously is able to fly out of Central Park because the good people of New York City believe in him. Uncle Frank realizes the meaning of Christmas every Christmas Eve, without fail. Bing and Rosemary give each other the gift of love and affection. And Uncle George realizes that the love of family and friends is the most important thing a person could have.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!