Tourists, listen up!

Listen up tourists! My morning bus ride to work is already hell enough without you people adding to the misery, yet almost daily in the summer, you moronically board my bus and leave your brain at your hotel (or in your hometown or you were quite possibly born without one).

Here are some rules (aside from the obvious metrol rule: "stand on the right") you can follow so as to not ruin the morning for me and my fellow DC office drones:

1. Shut up. You are on vacation. We are not. We don't care to hear your cheerful mindless banter ever, but especially not before our first cup of coffee.

2. Lose the fanny pack. In no circle, anywhere in the country, is the fanny pack ok. I don't even think it was ok during its debut in the 1980s!

3. Stop wearing the frump-tastic Old Navy t-shirt with the American flag on it or any similar variation of clothing with red, white and blue! We get it. You're a fucking American who loves this country. We already know this. How? Because you chose to spend your summer vacation in the Nation's Capitol, where it is often 95 degrees with 95% humidity. Only someone who loves this country would elect to do that.

4. Go to Urban Style Lab on Connecticut Ave. or Bang Salon on U Street and treat yourself to a stylish haircut. No need for feathered hair and bangs. Many people pick a hairstyle out of a magazine, which they no doubt have magazines your part of the country.

5. Lose weight! When your touristy flesh is splayed over two seats on an already crowded bus, that means one less person can board and chances are, that will make them late for work.

6. If you follow rule number one, this one will not apply to you: if you choose to talk on the bus, do not talk about the fellow passengers as if we were deaf (and since DC is home to Galludet University, quite a few lip reading deaf people reside in this town, so don't even talk about deaf people). Don't say "It seems like no one in this town smiles." We aren't smiling because a.) we are on our way to work and are sans coffee at the moment and b.) you haven't been following rules 1 through 5.

Thank you tourists, have a nice visit in the Nation's Capitol and come back again.