Do not go to The Village... Go to the beach or Disneyland. I beg you.

I saw quite a few films this week. Last Sunday, I saw Anchorman with Will Farrell. It was funny enough. Then on Wednesday I saw Kill Bill, Vol. II at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. That kicked TOTAL ARSE! I highly recommend that film (as well as Kill Bill, Vol. I). In order to do the review justice, I'll have to watch it on DVD.
Today I watched three movies! That's right - three films in one day! Thanks to my covert ops partner in crime, we got a two-for-one "deal" at the theatre today. First, we saw The Bourne Supremacy (could go either way - see it in the theatre or as a rental). We were so inspired by the spy action in the film that we decided to be steathly ourselves. Stealthy in our pathetic world equals sneaking into a film. We snuck into The Village. I wish we had decided to sneak into a bar instead.
The latest film by M. Knight Shamalama-ding-dong is awful. I'm happy I did not pay money to see it or else I would be... well... angry! There are some plot spoilers coming up. If you are actually going to pay money to see it, then continue reading so you could better spend your $9.50 on a martini. Or do what I did - sneak in and then bitch about it!
The film is allegedly set in 1897, but the crappy dialogue sounds like something out of the 1600s. As bad as the dialogue is, the delivery is even worse (except by the amazing and gorgeous Joaquin Phoenix - and Ron Howard's daughter doesn't do a bad job either). On to the pile of shite called the plot.
There is a village that is surrounded by a forrest that is allegedly filled with evil creatures. These creatures, for some reason, like the color red. Maybe because it's sexy. Who the freak knows. The village is ran by elders. The elders know something that the rest of the village does not. Joaquin wants to find out what is beyond the village. Before he sets out on his mission, he and Ron Howard's daughter decide to get married. Adrien Brody, the village retard, gets psychotically jealous and stabs Joaquin. Ron Howard's daughter asks to leave the village to find medicine in the neighboring "towns" for Joaquin. William Hurt, an elder and Ron Howard's daughter's father tells the blind chick the truth. The village is a farce. In the 1970's, a group of jaded adults - who were screwed over by society in some way or another (I think a criteria was that a family member was murdered) started a new life in a wildlife preserve. That is the extent of what he told her. They told the lies about the forrest creatures to keep the Village People from leaving (if it were up to me - those poor saps would all be high-tailing it to the YMCA right about now). But in order to keep the village going with Joaquin and Ron Howard's blind daughter as its leaders, they had to send the blind chick to the real world to get medicine. A nice park ranger finds her. He gets her medicine. She runs back into the woods, to the village, and presumably saves the day. I forgot one thing - some where in there Adrien Brody dies. The end. Bravo.

Did she ask any questions to Kevin, the park ranger? Of course not. Does B. Night Spamalon make some random conclusion about society? Maybe. I'm sure there are many issues in the film that could be debated by the academic elite. Whatever. The bottom line is that the film left me unsatisfied. The first thing I said to my covert ops partner was "That sucked. I'm glad we didn't pay money to see it."

FILM VIEWING PROTOCOL
Don't put yourself through the trouble, but if you must be prepared to watch something cool afterward. We watched Mystic River (fantastic film). It almost made me forget that I saw The Village.

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