"We don't need another Hero?" Whatever!

Obviously Tina sang that line before 2002 when "Hero" was released in China. Of course we need another Hero! Heroes, plural! Hero is the visually stunning film that Quinten Tarantino (damn, I knew I loved that man after he Killed Bill, but now.... the man knows his sh-t!) pleaded, lobbied, sacrificed his first born, etc. to get released in the US. The first born was a worthy sacrifice as Hero is my favorite action movie of all time. You got that people? OF ALL FREAKIN' TIME! For all you people that like the artistic merit of a film (Erica, Travis - Take note), this is it. This is the film for you.

Hero is the epic tale of how China was unified from six warring provinces into "Our Land". A young warrior/province prefect, Nameless, played by Jet Li (kicking more ass than he did with Aliyah) has fought the three enemies of the King of Qin. For accomplishing such a feat, the ruthless and paranoid King of Qin has allowed Nameless drink tea with him - less than ten paces from the king's throne. This is a major accomplishment since no one can get closer than 100 paces without being annihilated. The plot is so intricate and takes the entire movie to unfold (unlike the SHITE The Village) that I am unable to reveal much of anything else. Instead, I'll outline a few scenes.

During the drinking session, Nameless recounts his tales of thwarting the assassins known as Sky, Flying Snow and Broken Sword. The first assassin, Sky, fights Nameless in a chess park. This is not that lame-o fencing crap on the Olympics, this is completely amazing swordsmanship. This first scene is an appetizer of the scenes to come. A mere palate teaser. A mini-taste. Just one little taste, not quite tastey enough.

The next series of BRILLIANT scenes take place in the Zhao province when Nameless fights Flying Snow and Broken Sword (very HOT guy - I'm not usually into Asian dudes, well except Russell Wong from Romeo Must Die, but this guy is hot and can act like mad - his name is Tony Leung Chiu Wai). First, through an act of trickery, Nameless gets Broken Sword's apprentice to fight Snow (both females). The scene takes places in a forest of Aspen trees who's leaves are the brightest color of yellow possible in nature. Both women are dressed in Mao red, flowing robes. Suddenly, Beatrix Kiddo comes out of no where! Ha, kidding. Both women begin sword fighting...Imagine the theatrics of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon combined with the cinematography of the Last Emperor and the swordsmanship of Star Wars and you are no where near what this scene looks like! I had goosebumps! Goosebumps, I tell you! The theatre was cold, but I swear there would have been goosebumps even if I was sandwiched between the two large people in front of us while eating a tray of wasabi.

Aside from the cinematography, the acting, the directing, the gorgeous Chinese landscape, there is a beautiful, Buddhist-Confucius thing going on in the plot. This is what makes my hottie, Broken Sword (and I hope his sword isn't broken because the man is HOT and speaks with his eyes) so appealing. I can't delve further, for fear of giving anything away.

As the film unfolds, it proves that the pen is truly mightier than the sword..... Confucius say "Scratching butt leads to stinky finger".... No, Confucius didn't say that. My friend Sarah P. did.

"The highest ideal of a soldier is to lay down his sword." Sigh. Brilliant.

FILM VIEWING PROTOCAL
This is a date movie, a family movie and a friend movie. You MUST see this film on the big screen. Do not wait until it comes out on DVD. It won't mean as much, unless you have a big screen plasma TV, or a similar monstrosity. If you are a slow reader, I recommend seeing the film for the action, rather than the plot. The subtitles seem to move a little faster than usual (I also had to read around some guy's head - no stadium seating - thank God - at the Uptown). Maybe stadium seating would remedy this problem.
Sneak in some Chinese rice cake. They are rice dumplings stuffed with sesame (quite tastey). Maybe soy nuts too - for some reason anything soy reminds me of China. Also, sneak in anything with seaweed for that matter. And sneak in some shaoshing (chinese rice wine, aka, saki). Afterward, head to your nearest Kung Fu studio and take up a kick arse martial art. Hell, go say "Ni hao?" to the possibly pregnant panda at the National Zoo.

ps - I finally know what I'm going to be for Halloween.....No, not a pregnant panda, although that would be funny.

pps - New U2 single on the radio in 12 days!!!! New U2 album in 2 months and 10 days!!!!

DON'T JUST VOTE, VOTE FOR KERRY.

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